How To Make Jacking Off Feel Better Description

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How to make jacking off feel better

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Our ancestors used to put a stick covered in termites in their proto-dicks to get off. Nowadays, we have robots that will give us space-age handies with a kung fu grip and lube designed by NASA, I assume.

As with all things, though, we must ask: Is newer better? Sure, if you're dying of a terrible disease, you can go to a hospital for treatment with modern medicine, but some people still like the idea of using herbs to clear up a sucking chest wound.

Who knows what might work? So with that in mind, I have decided to put my very body on the line to help you , fellow jackers, determine just what is the best method of wanking.

Do the olden ways stand up to today's modern superjackoffery? Science will tell us! I don't have a degree in anthropology or dick tuggery, but I am an amateur in both.

It is therefore my nonprofessional belief that the origin of masturbation is connected to the right wrist. Even for you lefties. Back in the day, you wouldn't dare touch your precious genitals with your sinister devil's paw.

Only the right hand would do. So we can agree that masturbation probably first happened with a bare hand -- probably well before the s, if you can believe it.

Maybe one day, our monkey ancestor was sitting in his tree, lounging under a palm frond, enjoying some delicious papaya, when some of it slipped and landed on his little monkey dinky.

He reached for it, grabbed both together, pulled, and suddenly we had nuclear power, iPhones, and Hot Pockets. As it happens, I have tried this old chestnut myself once or twice, but for science, I did it again.

So I hope that right now, you're picturing me literally stopping my writing of this article right here, pushing my chair back a little bit, pulling out the mayo, and starting to churn my own butter.

Try to imagine some sound effects, like a grunt of consternation, a chipmunk-like tittering, and the bass growl of a tired and hungry bear.

Did you picture it? Anyway, I'm sure nearly all of you are aware that this is aces. It's hard to beat the good cheer brought about by your own hand.

It knows just what you like, and if you're not too callused or maybe you are and you dig texture , then it feels just fine, too.

For you ladies, try to imagine something you really enjoy the feel of, repeatedly and rhythmically working your lady flower.

I'm told by our research team that female masturbation is actually a thing these days as well, and has more fans than paddle boarding, so maybe imagine that.

As many fellows will tell you, about a year or two after you've mastered the hand technique, your mind starts wandering.

Your hand is one thing in a world of many things. Probably, like, things. What would those other things feel like if they were jerking your gherkin?

So you start experimenting. Maybe it's Halloween and you have a pumpkin handy. Maybe your beanbag chair sprung a leak and has an appropriately-sized orifice barfing beans in your room.

Maybe you have a slice of ham. I'm not saying there's anything inherently sexy about ham. I'm not saying you can't use turkey, or even tofurky, if you swing that way.

I'm really just advocating the texture more than anything -- which, upon rereading this sentence, is somehow even more gross. Still, an industrious-yet-lonely man with a boner is basically a sexual MacGyver.

If you're not picking up what I'm putting down yet, allow me to elucidate. For this particular solo mission to Dribblesville, you need to take a slice of deli ham -- and in this case, you don't necessarily want it super thin -- and maybe pop it in the microwave for 10 seconds.

Maybe you want it in a piece of bread for added grip, I don't know. I don't want to be the conductor on this train to penile trichinosis; I'm just sharing information.

Point is, you wrap warm meat around your cyclopean flesh carrot, and strum away like Clapton performing his final concert.

This is a lot like regular masturbation, only the smell is much more off-putting. Have you smelled deli ham lately?

Give it a try. Then rub it aggressively on your crotch for a few minutes. The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, or a Kardashian when no cameras are around.

I can't recommend it. Fleshlight has apparently sold over seven million units worldwide. Grab your meal two-fisted, squeeze and squirt. Plastic Baggie.

Pick your size from snack to storage , fill it with Crisco, Vaseline, Jell-O or banana pulp, and then stuff it with your meat. Hold the package in your preferred hand or cram everything under a cushion, then pleasure yourself to completion.

Rubber Gloves. When you want to feel like someone else is giving you the greatest reach-around of your life, don a latex sheath on your own hand before whacking off.

Use your favorite lubricant unless you're into medical fetishes, or the sensation of being examined at the doctor's office.

If you do it anyway, beware that peeing and ejaculating may be painful for several days, but the stinging will subside. News News See all. Food See all.

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Cannabis See all. Your testicles, for example, have almost as many nerve endings as your penis. If you want to intensify your pleasure, consider pulling down on your balls right before you climax.

You can also massage or play with your taint to create some intense sensations. Want to have a sensational full-body climax? Then explore your erogenous zones!

Playing with your erogenous zones — that is, your ears, nipples, neck, mouth, and lips — can shoot sparks of pleasure throughout your body. You can rub, pinch, pull, squeeze, or tug at these parts of your body to intensify your orgasm during a particularly randy solo session!

You can start off slow by using one finger to gently rub the outside and inside of your anal opening, then insert your finger gradually to massage your prostate.

Shop now for anal sex toys. Want to prolong your play date? Incorporate the start-and-stop method into your next solo session. Try it out by stroking your penis right up until the edge of ejaculation, then stop completely.

There are a number of toys available for people with penises that can add loads of fun to a solo session. Consider adding a toy — or two!

Find what you like online. If you usually watch videos, think about switching it up! Reading or listening to erotica is fun, entertaining, and allows you to explore your fantasies in a safe, sexy way.

For some arousing erotic literature, check out kennywriter. Want some audio erotica? Then head over to audiobooks. But if you want to stick to videos, skip the tube sites and pay for your porn.

Masturbation is a healthy, natural way to explore your fantasies and discover what makes you feel good. Plus, there are so many health benefits to solo play: you feel less stress, you boost your mood, you sleep better at night, and you get a sexual release.

Experiment with styles, toys, and techniques. Do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable, and enjoy every second of it! At some point, you may have wondered: What is the average penis size?

Research says the average length is 3. This chart can help you find the right fit for…. A healthy sperm count can help increase your chances for conception.

Here are seven things you can do to promote healthy semen.

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